Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Fear & Sickness

Just a week and a half after recovering from the last flu virus, my daughter took ill with a high temperature and more flu like symptoms. I am back in that space of fear and worry once again. She doesn't want to eat. She had already lost a kilo gram of weight from the virus a couple of weeks ago and now I am tube feeding morning, noon and night again just to keep her weight steady.
Her temperature continues to remain high and 6 days after taking ill, there seems to be no break in her symptoms. I am longing for a change in her condition. I am getting used to sleeping on the futon mattress in her room, and that worries me. I don't want to be there listening to her every breath and panicking when I can't. I am not sleeping deeply, her cough and snot filled snoring keeps me half awake. After six nights of nearly no sleep I am starting to feel the paranoia and exhaustion kick in. As a Carer you draw on a reserve of energy that you never knew you had. I look back now over my first three years as a Carer and wonder how I ever coped without collapsing. There were times when I came close. I am aware now that the reserve I once drew on is no longer there. It takes me longer to recover from long stretches of no sleep. Mentally I become more depressed as I feel locked in to the cycle of sickness. When will a break come? 
When you are a Carer and the person you care for becomes sick your fears rise to the surface. Please let me stay well enough to keep caring. What would happen to my kids if I couldn't care for them? What if the Care I give is not enough to keep this person alive? I talk to other Carers and we all go through the same fears. Most of our fears relate to the future, yet the future is unknown, but still the fear is none the less there. Sickness is unpredictable, death for us all inevitable and in between we try and live life the best way we can. Staying in the present moment can be hard when that moment is filled with the suffering of yourself and the person you care for. It is the moments of love and tenderness that keep us present with the now. For now in this moment my daughter is asleep her temperature down for an hour or two. In this moment I get to sit and soon sleep. The present moment is without fear, 

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