Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Today I Said Hello To Fear & Invited In The Sunshine.

After the difficulties of the last few days I went to see my therapist this morning. He has been working with a technique called IEMT (About IEMT) I will leave you to read the exact details, but essentially the technique disrupts the way the mind perceives trauma. Today I felt that I needed to work on the trauma that had re-triggered at the weekend. At the beginning of the session I got in touch with the feeling of the trauma and I felt I was at a nine (ten being the worst symptom) so pretty high. The sessions always start with visualising a safe place which you return to at the end of the treatment. In my mind I had to replay the trauma and when ready to open my eyes I watch a series of finger movements without moving my head, while the therapist uses a series of words. After the first round of the therapy I got my nine down to a six, we then repeated the process and got my six down to a four. One part of the trauma still felt very vivid and so we repeated the treatment and this time I got my feelings down to a one. I felt so much calmer, no longer in my usual fight and flight mode, which normally can happen for days  after reliving a trauma. My therapist then asked me to recount the incident when Ethan stopped breathing and I was able to do so calmly without tensing up my body and feeling fear. The effect of IEMT takes my traumas and changes them from a High Definition colour image to me being the observer of an old black and white movie, and my recall happens in seconds rather than me playing it over in my mind for minutes at a time. The effect is probably not the same for everyone but this is the best explanation I can give for my own personal experience.
It is fair to say I have spent hundreds of pounds that I can't easily afford on Counsellors and Psychotherapy in the past. They wasted hours of time putting me back in my traumas, triggering them over and over again. I have felt completely stuck until now. My therapist gave me such a simple explanation: if we keep working with the mind then traumas will continue to be triggered, but by reducing those traumas to just little movies in my mind I finally have the space to get in touch with my feelings and the spaces in my body where they have been hiding.
The intensity of my physical pain is no coincidence. Even my own GP suggested that my traumas were causing much of my muscle pain, but his answer was to continue to treat with pain killers. I am aware that after my sessions with my therapist my muscle spasms have greatly reduced.
Today at the end of our session we worked on a visualisation technique where I got in touch with where fear was in my body. Right in the centre of my chest was the sharp, black shape of Fear. My initial sensations were of great discomfort as if the pressure of fear was weighing my body down. Then my therapist got fear to wave at me with a silly voice and I laughed. Fear didn't seem so scary. Fear was just trying to tell me that my mind had been so busy playing and replaying the traumas that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my fear and tell it that everything was now Okay. Of course this makes total sense. I have largely been stuck on autopilot as a Carer for the last five years with one trauma layered on top of the next. Even when my daughter came home from hospital we didn't get the happy ending, I became a nurse and a mother. Repeated stays in hospital, my daughter Blue Lighted to hospital twice in 24 hours one week. Life has been shaky for a long time so I never really had a chance to connect with the feeling of fear from a safe place.
But today I was in a safe, calm space created by my therapist, I worked with positive thoughts to remind fear that life can be happy, the sun can fill my heart and we can be free from trauma. Fear began to lose its strength and grip on my chest, it softened and shrank and the tightness in my chest was replaced by warmth, love and happiness.
So my fear just needed to be heard, but I was unable to hear it because of the constant waves of trauma in my mind. Tears rolled down my face during the session as I felt a great sense of peace. Fear and I were friends, it was no longer an overwhelming force ripping through my body.
My homework is to continue to cultivate peace and to give fear the space to be understood. This is a remarkable journey, and I feel an immense amount of gratitude to the Universe for holding me together until this point in my life where I am able to finally let go.
My job as a Carer is for life, I am resigned to that fact, but to continue to be the best Carer, Mother and Partner I can be, its time to let go of the past, time to build a better present and a better future.
Today the sun is shining for the first time in days and it is dancing on the wall in front of my desk as I type. I feel its warmth on my skin and its presence in my heart.

Namo Amida Butsu

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