As I allowed my self to come to terms with this news we then found ourselves a week later in a different neo-natal unit with twin 2, my daughter; sitting once more in another room with a comfy sofa and flowers on the wall, I braced myself for the worst. 'Your daughter has contracted necrotising entercolitis, its pretty bad, we are not sure if she will survive the next 48 hrs'. By a complete miracle she makes it through, but two bowel surgeries later she is left with short bowel disease and the need to be fed her milk via a gastrostomy tube and intravenously fed Parental Nutrition. Add into the mix the discovery of a genetic condition and here I am five years later a mother and a Carer for disabled twins.
I am like thousands of other Carers; we often have no compassion for ourselves, we don't give ourselves the space to sit with our suffering and what has happened to us. We don't praise ourselves for the things we do well for the person we care for, when we want time for ourselves we think we are being selfish. The identities we once had are gone, we become angry at what we have lost, we grieve for the person we were and the person we will never be again.
My faith a Pureland Buddhist has helped me a lot. With faith in Amida Buddha I have been able to find light in the darkest of days. My intention in this blog is from time to time to draw on my experiences as a Buddhist, along with my life as a Carer to share my thoughts and feelings on how we can as Carers learn to bring compassion to ourselves as well as to those we Care for.
If you are already a Carer then me posing the question Who Cares for the Carer? will no doubt have you laughing, because you and I both know the answer is 'No One'. So if we don't look after ourselves, if we don't give ourselves a little bit of compassion then nobody else will.
Gautama Buddha said “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
I am doing my best day be day to work on that one!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing the journey on the road to Self Compassion.